Setting Boundaries with Controlling Parents: Healing from Religious or Narcissistic Family Systems
For many people raised in high-control religious systems or narcissistic family dynamics, the idea of setting boundaries feels foreign—sometimes even dangerous. You may have been taught that obedience was love, that self-denial was holiness, or that saying “no” was selfish. In environments like these, boundaries aren’t just discouraged—they’re often actively punished.
But here’s the truth: boundaries are essential for healing. Without them, we remain stuck in old patterns of guilt, fear, and obligation. With them, we can create space for safety, clarity, and genuine connection.
Today, I want to explore what it means to set boundaries with controlling parents—especially when religion or narcissism has blurred the lines between love and control. I’ll share a fictional client story to illustrate the process, then walk you through steps you can take to reclaim your autonomy.
The Weight of Control in Religious or Narcissistic Families
Growing up in a controlling family system can feel like living in a cage. Sometimes the bars are obvious—strict rules, constant surveillance, emotional manipulation. Other times, they’re subtle—conditional love, shame cloaked as “concern,” or spiritual teachings that equate submission with worth.
In narcissistic families, the controlling parent may demand constant attention, compliance, and admiration, often punishing independence as betrayal. In religiously rigid homes, parents might frame their authority as “God’s will,” making resistance feel like sin.
The common thread? Your sense of self gets swallowed by someone else’s need for control.
Client Story: Sarah’s Journey
Sarah (not her real name) grew up in a deeply religious household where questioning authority was seen as rebellion against God. Her parents monitored her friendships, controlled what she wore, and dismissed her opinions as “worldly.” Even as an adult, every phone call with her mother ended with criticism disguised as “advice”:
“Are you sure that’s what God wants for your career?”
“If you really loved us, you’d come home more often.”
“I don’t know why you’re so sensitive—can’t you just take a little correction?”
When Sarah started therapy, she felt torn. She loved her parents but dreaded their constant disapproval. She feared that setting boundaries would mean losing her family completely.
Through our work, Sarah began to recognize the cycle: her parents demanded compliance, she complied out of guilt, and resentment grew until she exploded or withdrew. This cycle reinforced her parents’ narrative that she was “difficult” or “rebellious.”
Together, we practiced small boundaries: not answering late-night calls, redirecting conversations when topics turned critical, and reminding herself that “No” is a complete sentence. Over time, she learned that boundaries were not walls of rejection but bridges of clarity—a way to stay in relationship without sacrificing her mental health.
Her story illustrates a reality many face: setting boundaries with controlling parents is not about punishment or revenge. It’s about survival and healing.
Why Boundaries Feel So Hard
If you’ve struggled to set boundaries, you’re not weak—you’ve been conditioned to believe boundaries are wrong. Here’s why it can feel so difficult:
Religious Guilt: You may have been taught that honoring your parents means endless obedience, even as an adult.
Fear of Rejection: Narcissistic parents often weaponize love, withdrawing affection when you assert independence.
Loss of Identity: If your sense of self was suppressed, it can feel impossible to know where “you” end and “they” begin.
Trauma Response: Saying “no” might trigger fear because in childhood it led to punishment or shame.
Understanding these roots is the first step in breaking free.
The Healing Power of Boundaries
Boundaries are not about cutting people out of your life (though sometimes that becomes necessary). They’re about defining what is and isn’t acceptable in your relationships. Think of them as the invisible property lines around your emotional house.
Healthy boundaries do several things:
Protect your time, energy, and mental health
Create clarity in relationships
Allow genuine connection instead of forced compliance
Reinforce your sense of identity and autonomy
When you set boundaries, you’re telling both yourself and others: I matter. My needs are real. My life belongs to me.
Practical Steps for Setting Boundaries with Controlling Parents
1. Identify Your Triggers
Pay attention to the moments you feel drained, anxious, or resentful after interacting with your parents. These emotions signal where a boundary is needed.
2. Start Small
You don’t have to announce sweeping changes overnight. Begin with manageable steps—screening calls, limiting visit length, or changing the subject when criticism starts.
3. Use Clear, Calm Language
Instead of long justifications (which controlling parents may twist against you), use direct phrases:
“I won’t be discussing that topic.”
“I’m not available on Sundays.”
“That comment is hurtful. Please stop.”
4. Expect Pushback
Controlling parents often resist change. They may accuse you of being selfish, ungrateful, or sinful. This pushback doesn’t mean your boundary is wrong—it means it’s working.
5. Get Support
Therapy, support groups, or trusted friends can provide validation when family pressures you to cave.
6. Reevaluate as Needed
Boundaries are not rigid walls but flexible structures. Over time, you may adjust them based on your healing and the willingness of your parents to respect them.
Healing Beyond Boundaries
Setting boundaries is powerful, but it’s only one part of the healing journey. Many people leaving religious trauma or narcissistic families also need to:
Reclaim their identity apart from family expectations.
Heal inner child wounds caused by shame and neglect.
Learn to trust themselves again after years of gaslighting or spiritual manipulation.
Build new communities where love is unconditional and respect is mutual.
True healing means not just saying “no” to control, but saying “yes” to freedom, joy, and authenticity.
When Boundaries Mean Distance
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, parents refuse to respect your limits. In these cases, low-contact or even no-contact may become necessary. This choice is never easy—it can feel like grieving someone who’s still alive.
But remember: choosing distance is not betrayal. It’s self-preservation. Protecting yourself from ongoing harm is an act of courage, not cruelty.
A Word on Faith and Healing
For those leaving religious systems, setting boundaries can bring up spiritual fear. You may worry: Am I dishonoring God by pulling away? Am I selfish for protecting myself?
It’s important to remember that healthy love never demands the erasure of self. Boundaries are not ungodly—they are sacred. Even in spiritual traditions, we see boundaries modeled: time apart for rest, personal space for prayer, the acknowledgment that each person’s soul is their own.
Your healing does not make you less worthy of love—it makes you more whole.
Conclusion
If you grew up in a controlling family system—religious or narcissistic—you may have been told that boundaries are wrong, selfish, or sinful. But the truth is this: boundaries are essential to healing. They help you protect your well-being, reclaim your identity, and open the door to healthier relationships.
Like Sarah, you can learn to step out of guilt and into freedom. It won’t be easy, and it may take practice, but every boundary you set is a declaration that your life belongs to you.
Want to Work With Me?
If this post hit close to home, it may be time for deeper healing. My Break the Pattern Intensive is a powerful 1:1 experience designed to help you uncover the root of old wounds, release what’s been holding you back, and start living from a place of self-trust and clarity.
This 3-hour Brainspotting + IFS session (with a follow-up for integration) is your chance to move from just surviving to finally feeling free.
👉 Click [here] to learn about my Break the Pattern Intensive and take the first real step toward peace and freedom.
Recommended Reading
Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson
When Religion Hurts You by Laura E. Anderson
